Another decade gone and 2010 is upon us...
I'm gonna be 24 years old at the end of 2010. It got me thinking. I've been alive for 24 years.
Then it hit me... I have became self aware and conscious of my existence. I realize that I'm probably living a dream. Nothing is predictable. It is at this moment where I try to forget about this and continue to live this life of mine. BUT I can't.
This isn't the first time it has happened to me. The first time I became conscious of my existence was when I was in Primary 6, 12 years old. Yea I freaked out. Started moving my hands and wondering what is my purpose. Why am I brought into this world? After a while. But I was only twelve. I hardly got a grasp of this world just yet. I kinda forgotten about it... until I was 15 years old in form 3. Then I would have occasional self consciousness awareness once in a while but that will never last more than a day.
So this time around wasn't as bad as it seems. As a person who believes that there is no afterlife and that everything just ends, I was emotionless for a period of time. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even have fun or do the things I thought would be fun. I think it was around this time I accepted this life of mine and decided to live life to the fullest as I could. I had lived normally without much worry.
Now, at the end of the semester...I don't know why I did it but I decided to get myself to notice my significant life again. It happened the day after my final exam (Thursday Dec 17th 2009). Really don't understand why I did it but when it happened. I felt empty. Kept thinking I'm nothing but something stuck in this human body. I felt like I don't know anything around me yet everything seems so familiar.
When I'm in this state, it feels horrible. I am unable to live my life normally. I begin to feel like there's not enough time for anything. Phrases like "I've got time to kill", "I've free time" makes me wonder why the hell do I have free time? I should be doing something. Well, that's one good thing that comes out of this. It makes me think much more deeply on how I'm going to spend the rest of my remaining life.
During this state of mind, I tend look around me and feel nothing. Look around while in the car and I still feel emotionless and insignificant. Like as if nothing else matters anymore. Everything feels like a dream. Sometimes I wonder... how am I moving my fingers? How the heck am I walking? This feeling of... cold, hot, warmth. When I expire there won't be anything left of me. No consciousness. When I grow older, I'll be more forgetful. My friends, my experiences, my family.
So let me just say this.
I am thankful for everyone. I am thankful to all my friends I have befriended whether or not I still know you til this day. Most of all, I'm really thankful to my family especially my mom who has worked so hard to bring me to the states. One of my goals is to make sure my mom retires soon and not to worry about me too much anymore. Just wanna let all of you know, even though I don't show it, I love everyone of you and thankful I've met you. You've indirectly made me who I am.
I'm thankful for having a well and healthy body, having all of these worldly possessions, being able to eat well and being alive.
Also, I hope I can get out of this state of mind soon... I'm starting to get extremely paranoid of everything I do and wanted to do which in turn prevents me from enjoying this winter break to the fullest.
And since we're on this topic, I think I should include some religious info as well...
Many of you know that I'm a free thinker... I'm somewhat an atheist. Yea I used to believe that there is a higher power which many would call a "God" but then questions arose.
If God created us, then who created God? My answer is, humans created God out of fear. Humans fear the unknown and thus created God to put them at ease.
Yea, I used to pray to God when I was a kid. Then I realized, God didn't really answer most of my prayers. And then it hit me... hard. Hence, I began realizing this so called "truth" and thus the Primary 6 incident happened when I became self aware of myself.
There are lots of questions which I could ask to challenge what ever religion you believe in... but I do not wish to take away your hope in life. Your religion has thought you how to live your life. Thought you moral values and other stuff which I may or may not know of. It's good that you believe in giving in to whichever God you believe in.
Sometimes I really wish I could believe wholeheartedly that God really exists. It'll make me feel much more at ease but I feel that it'll make me weak. I'll be relying on something which isn't proven. Also, since I have a scientist way of thinking, it's going to be really hard for me to believe in something that isn't proven.
I'm tired and hungry right now. Time to stop right here and hope I can share more of my thoughts in the near future.
PS : I haven't really gone into too much detailed yet regarding my self awareness...
Edit : 26th December 2009
I can't seem to get back to this state of mind... everything is back to normal. Which is kinda scary... you seem to forget that your life is temporary...
I still think about it, and sometimes I try to get myself back into that state of mind.... but I keep stopping myself because I don't want to live my life in fear of the inevitable. Merry Christmas
Edit2 : 29th December 2009
Just remembered why I thought about this. All due to a recurring dream (not the first time I had this dream) of me being in a monorail high up about 10~30m high and it got derailed. Panic can be seen clearly as the train started falling. I was at the very front of the train. The train plunges nose first onto the cement floor. I feel weightless. Then my mind took over. I landed on a soft wall of the train (probably cuz I was sleeping on a soft bed). I looked around. Everyone seems fine with no major injuries. I was unscathed.
So when I woke up. I don't know why I never thought of this the first time I had this dream... but this time I thought. Things don't happen in real life. In real life, you don't walk away from falling 10~30m high. In real life you don't land on a soft material. You crash and burn. And then it hits me again. Should I that had been real, should I had died, what would become of me? I can't predict these things. It just happens. No one knows what the future would hold. Such things... scares me sometimes.
And yea... constant thinking about this subject and having nothing else to do during the break has made me remembered.
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