I'm sure many of you have done the same. Leaving homeworks til the very last minute. What goes on in your mind? Why don't you complete it when you have the time?
I've done alot of slothing around. Skipping classes, sleeping during awkward times (though now I have insomnia...), lazing around doing nothing but staying on facebook hoping someone updates their status.
I'm growing tired of this... lazing around is BORING!
and yet... somehow I can't seem to get that homework done =.=
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Insomnia
I can't sleep well... tend to wake up in the middle of the night or can't even sleep at all even when I'm tired.
This usually happens when I'm feeling restless because of an exam the next day... but for almost a month?! Come on!
I don't want to rely on sleeping pills because I'm afraid I won't wake up the next morning. Then again... I'm losing sleep and appetite.
*Shakes magic 8 ball*
Will I be cured soon?
*Outlook not good*
Holy crap.... my insomnia's getting out of hand....
This usually happens when I'm feeling restless because of an exam the next day... but for almost a month?! Come on!
I don't want to rely on sleeping pills because I'm afraid I won't wake up the next morning. Then again... I'm losing sleep and appetite.
*Shakes magic 8 ball*
Will I be cured soon?
*Outlook not good*
Holy crap.... my insomnia's getting out of hand....
Alter Ego / Split personality
Some of you might notice that face to face, I'm a timid quiet person named Alex...
Online, I'm quite the opposite under the name "Kyo".
I tend to talk more, think better and have more confident online.
A possible reason for this is because when face to face, there's this awkward moment of silence when I'm thinking of my response. On msn, I have all the time in the world to come up with a response. I could always correct myself if I mess up before sending my message.
Online, I'm quite the opposite under the name "Kyo".
I tend to talk more, think better and have more confident online.
A possible reason for this is because when face to face, there's this awkward moment of silence when I'm thinking of my response. On msn, I have all the time in the world to come up with a response. I could always correct myself if I mess up before sending my message.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Happier Times~
I'm reading my old blog from start to finish, (currently halfway through, it isnt that much compared to this)
I realized, I was really crazy and happy back then. What's happening to me now?
I realized, I was really crazy and happy back then. What's happening to me now?
4th year anniverasy of my great grandmother
Looking back at my old blog,
I can't believe I've forgotten the date my great grandmother passed away.
A moment of silence......
I can't believe I've forgotten the date my great grandmother passed away.
A moment of silence......
Most posts in a month. Period
February 2009 has been my most active month since starting a blog... over 22 posts
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Chemical Engineering : What it is?
So here I am in the states taking and undergraduate Chemical Engineering program currently studying for Organic Chemistry 2 exam.
What I don't get is why I have to memorize all of these.
Note : Organic Chemistry isn't a core subject for ChemE.
For ChE subjects, exams are mostly open book. You get to use your notes and text book to answer questions. It's all about understanding and less memorizing since you can look up formulas and theories.
I haven't been using my memory too much lately... I tend to forget alot of stuff.
Proof I'm getting old/ I'm not working my brain enough
What I don't get is why I have to memorize all of these.
Note : Organic Chemistry isn't a core subject for ChemE.
For ChE subjects, exams are mostly open book. You get to use your notes and text book to answer questions. It's all about understanding and less memorizing since you can look up formulas and theories.
I haven't been using my memory too much lately... I tend to forget alot of stuff.
Proof I'm getting old/ I'm not working my brain enough
On the last weekend...
Right now, my whole body's aching. It's taking alot of strength just to stand up or get out of bed. Why is this happening?
Friday night :
-Played basketball for the first time after a long break
-Partied abit
Saturday night :
- Went skiing (though legs was feeling fatigue)
Sunday :
-Did nothing but felt no aches or pain yet
Monday :
The result of the weekend finally appears....
Friday night :
-Played basketball for the first time after a long break
-Partied abit
Saturday night :
- Went skiing (though legs was feeling fatigue)
Sunday :
-Did nothing but felt no aches or pain yet
Monday :
The result of the weekend finally appears....
For the remaining of the month of February 2009
1. Emo
2. Organic Chem Exam 2
3. BBMB Exam 2
4. Che357 Take home exam
5. Che382 Homework
6. Che357 Homework
7. STAT305 Homework
8. Re-motivate myself
9. Apologize to those I offended from the last few posts....
10. Be thankful of those who cared
11. Stop Emo-ing for the remainder of the semester (hopefully)
2. Organic Chem Exam 2
3. BBMB Exam 2
4. Che357 Take home exam
5. Che382 Homework
6. Che357 Homework
7. STAT305 Homework
8. Re-motivate myself
9. Apologize to those I offended from the last few posts....
10. Be thankful of those who cared
11. Stop Emo-ing for the remainder of the semester (hopefully)
Monday, February 23, 2009
My 2008 Chicago Trip : Good times~
http://pokekai.blogspot.com/2008/03/heres-some-vids-of-what-happened-in.html
http://pokekai.blogspot.com/2008/03/chicago-trip-part-1.html
http://pokekai.blogspot.com/2008/03/chicago-trip-part-2_21.html (My fav)
Ahhhh good times~
PS :The other blog is kinda dead so any recent comments could be posted here :D
http://pokekai.blogspot.com/2008/03/chicago-trip-part-1.html
http://pokekai.blogspot.com/2008/03/chicago-trip-part-2_21.html (My fav)
Ahhhh good times~
PS :The other blog is kinda dead so any recent comments could be posted here :D
Feedbacks on my emo posts for the month (Pride + Greed)
There has been people who sent me feedbacks and wrote them on their blogs. Yes I am aware that I have sufficiently enough.
I have friends. I'm alive. I'm healthy. I have food. I have some talent others doesn't have.
Well, as with envy, I'm greedy. I want more.
I want more friends.
I wanna feel more alive.
I don't just want to be healthy, I want to be fit.
I don't just wanna eat a 1 entree meal. I want a 2 entree. (with desserts... though this isn't happening lately as explained in my 'gluttony' post)
I'm rather demanding. Greed has taken over.
Regarding hand/leg/finger eye coordination, there's always someone better out there. I feel like I have to outbest them. Again, envy plays a part. I envy them if they're better than me.
Dota? Yes, I know I'm better than most players but again, if I lose, I felt a part of my pride is lost.
And btw, if you think I'm going on a downward spiral to my doom, worry not. When I emo, I reflect on myself and try to make myself a better person.
"Why do we fall Bruce? So we can stand back up again"
"A racer that hasn't lost a race will never know the true joy of victory"
Next : Sloth....
I have friends. I'm alive. I'm healthy. I have food. I have some talent others doesn't have.
Well, as with envy, I'm greedy. I want more.
I want more friends.
I wanna feel more alive.
I don't just want to be healthy, I want to be fit.
I don't just wanna eat a 1 entree meal. I want a 2 entree. (with desserts... though this isn't happening lately as explained in my 'gluttony' post)
I'm rather demanding. Greed has taken over.
Regarding hand/leg/finger eye coordination, there's always someone better out there. I feel like I have to outbest them. Again, envy plays a part. I envy them if they're better than me.
Dota? Yes, I know I'm better than most players but again, if I lose, I felt a part of my pride is lost.
And btw, if you think I'm going on a downward spiral to my doom, worry not. When I emo, I reflect on myself and try to make myself a better person.
"Why do we fall Bruce? So we can stand back up again"
"A racer that hasn't lost a race will never know the true joy of victory"
Next : Sloth....
Everyone else has a better life (Envy)
I know it's wrong for me to assume that, but when you envy someone, the thing that sticks to your head is all the good things he/she has. Yes, I've seen them during times when they're down but those are easily covered up by their smiling faces.
Openness :
Before I came to the states, I keep my feelings closed up. All the anger, sorrow, happiness all dwelling deep inside wanting to get out but couldn't . I can't seem to trust anyone mainly because I know I'd incriminate myself.
It was back in Primary school when I had a crush on someone... I told this guy because I trusted him and then news spreaded like a wild fire. Emotions took over and the attention was too much to bear. I've lost trust in telling anyone my feelings be it good or bad. Even expressing them has been hard for me. Yea, for about 6~8 years I've been keeping everything inside me.
Yes, my patience and tolerance is that strong.
During those 6~8 years, I noticed other people speaking what they think. Speaking their mind out not caring of what others think of them. I can't seem to do that. I envy them.
Now I'm out of my shell. As you can see from the last few posts, I'm letting (almost) everything out. I've held all my sorrows and suffering long enough. My happiness? I can't seem to remember them at the moment.
Social Issues :
Right now most of my friends are smooth talkers. Knowing what to say at times and know when to keep their mouth shut. Envious of them I tried but failed. They socialize with people and manage to break the ice in a matter of minutes rather than me who takes almost forever. I guess it's the way I was brought up ...
Family :
I go to a friends home, I see pictures of them and their family. I hear them saying they're gonna call up their parents and talk to them every week. Me, I hardly talk to my parents. Even if I do, I'm usually lost for words. I've mentioned in one of my last posts that I have an awkward relationship with my parents. Again, I know they love and care for me... but I don't feel it...
There are alot of other stuff I envy others of, but I won't list it out here. I'd rather not make my state of mind worst off than I needed. I've got 2 exams for the week ahead and I should get back to studying. ..... One more :
Studies :
People are smarter than me, no matter how hard I try......
Next : Pride
Openness :
Before I came to the states, I keep my feelings closed up. All the anger, sorrow, happiness all dwelling deep inside wanting to get out but couldn't . I can't seem to trust anyone mainly because I know I'd incriminate myself.
It was back in Primary school when I had a crush on someone... I told this guy because I trusted him and then news spreaded like a wild fire. Emotions took over and the attention was too much to bear. I've lost trust in telling anyone my feelings be it good or bad. Even expressing them has been hard for me. Yea, for about 6~8 years I've been keeping everything inside me.
Yes, my patience and tolerance is that strong.
During those 6~8 years, I noticed other people speaking what they think. Speaking their mind out not caring of what others think of them. I can't seem to do that. I envy them.
Now I'm out of my shell. As you can see from the last few posts, I'm letting (almost) everything out. I've held all my sorrows and suffering long enough. My happiness? I can't seem to remember them at the moment.
Social Issues :
Right now most of my friends are smooth talkers. Knowing what to say at times and know when to keep their mouth shut. Envious of them I tried but failed. They socialize with people and manage to break the ice in a matter of minutes rather than me who takes almost forever. I guess it's the way I was brought up ...
Family :
I go to a friends home, I see pictures of them and their family. I hear them saying they're gonna call up their parents and talk to them every week. Me, I hardly talk to my parents. Even if I do, I'm usually lost for words. I've mentioned in one of my last posts that I have an awkward relationship with my parents. Again, I know they love and care for me... but I don't feel it...
There are alot of other stuff I envy others of, but I won't list it out here. I'd rather not make my state of mind worst off than I needed. I've got 2 exams for the week ahead and I should get back to studying. ..... One more :
Studies :
People are smarter than me, no matter how hard I try......
Next : Pride
Appetite for Happiness (Gluttony)
"Eat to live; Don't live to eat"
Apparently right now due to my continuous phases of emoness, I'm losing appetite and losing sleep.
I remember my time back in high school where gobbling food during my 20 minute recess. Nasi lemak, hot dogs, and a cup of milo. Less than an hour later, my stomach starts growling for more.
Not just that, in family dinners I'd eat about 3 1/2 bowls of rice with the dishes.....
Now after moving to the states, homesickness and food that isn't on par with Malaysian food is causing my appetite to decrease. Add that with my current state of emoness.... and I can barely eat. I had to force it down or I wont survive the next day.
Even if I do eat, my metabolism rate has deteriorated to the point where I can't stay skinny anymore. I'm getting old. My organs aren't what they used to be.
Today at this moment, it's 3:30pm and I haven't taken a single bite out of anything. (Other than an intestinal cleaner which is said to clean up my stomach)
Since we're on the topic of food, I noticed that most of my female friends tend to eat alot when they're stressed. Apparently chocolate calms them down.
I envy them. Being able to fool their minds thinking everything's okay as long as they eat. Some of them are just like me, eat alot and never get fat. So they just eat whatever's infront of them without a worry knowing all their sorrows can be digested away.
Next post : Talking on the topic of "Envy"
Apparently right now due to my continuous phases of emoness, I'm losing appetite and losing sleep.
I remember my time back in high school where gobbling food during my 20 minute recess. Nasi lemak, hot dogs, and a cup of milo. Less than an hour later, my stomach starts growling for more.
Not just that, in family dinners I'd eat about 3 1/2 bowls of rice with the dishes.....
Now after moving to the states, homesickness and food that isn't on par with Malaysian food is causing my appetite to decrease. Add that with my current state of emoness.... and I can barely eat. I had to force it down or I wont survive the next day.
Even if I do eat, my metabolism rate has deteriorated to the point where I can't stay skinny anymore. I'm getting old. My organs aren't what they used to be.
Today at this moment, it's 3:30pm and I haven't taken a single bite out of anything. (Other than an intestinal cleaner which is said to clean up my stomach)
Since we're on the topic of food, I noticed that most of my female friends tend to eat alot when they're stressed. Apparently chocolate calms them down.
I envy them. Being able to fool their minds thinking everything's okay as long as they eat. Some of them are just like me, eat alot and never get fat. So they just eat whatever's infront of them without a worry knowing all their sorrows can be digested away.
Next post : Talking on the topic of "Envy"
Feeling much better for now
After a tiring outing of skiing/snowboarding with friends, it has tired me out and made me realize. There's still friends to spend my time with to forget about all the troubles. Forget about all the worries.
Then again, it wont last. I'll still have to come back and face reality.
A little break now and then isn't so bad.
Back to reality...ugh....
"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo "
Then again, it wont last. I'll still have to come back and face reality.
A little break now and then isn't so bad.
Back to reality...ugh....
"You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo "
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I'm a failure
Yes, it's my third post in an hour. I've been doing alot of thinking last night and couldn't sleep well because of it.
Somehow all of a sudden my brain cleared up from my dreams. I started trying to sleep at 2 something AM but kept waking up numerous times and the thoughts of the night continues. Thinking about what I've done so far in life. Thinking of how my life plays out.
Numerous events flow in. Recalling everything. I've come to describe myself in one word :
Failure / Unsuccessful
Why so?
Education:
I'm not doing so well in classes. I might have gotten an A for my mid term but my finals screws everything up to a C. Many occasions this happens. Am I just not cut to be a Chemical Engineer?
So what if I graduate. No company would hire an unsuccessful graduate with such results.
Social Life :
I don't consider myself bad at socializing. I used to get along with everyone at school. Always around chatting and making friends. Now it seems that I've lost it. I can't seem to talk to people like I usually do. It's usually a conversation in a formal way.
"Hi how are you?" "Fine" and you get the idea...
That's more like acquaintances not friends.
To me friends are the ones I share my interests with. Those who I hang out with. Those who I can relate to.
Good friends are the ones that support me. Help me when I'm in trouble. Share my ups and downs in life.
Best friends are the ones I share my emotions with. Those who I trust that will keep my feelings confidential and vise versa. Well, you know who you are if you're reading this now. Thanks for helping me out with some of my problems.
Girlfriends (I refuse to add boyfriends for obvious reasons), all of the above. Basically the one I give my utmost care.
Oh, I gotta add. I'm a chinese that cant speak chinese. It's so FUCKING irritating when I hang out with some people, they have to speak in chinese. It really ticks me off. At the same time, it makes me feel useless.... Alot of chinese people walks up to me and speaks to me in chinese and I respond with a clueless face... There's first impressions for ya
Love Life :
I guess this is the cause of most of my emoness.
Having crushes on someone and then finding out they're not interested or with another guy hurts. It's like taking my glass heart and shattering it.
It also isn't easy for me since I have fucked up teeth, a bad surname (Fuck) and a face problem. Personality wise..... I guess you can see, I'm emo most of the time. Bitching probably about the smallest thing (since I'm so perasan) that has no meaning at all. Not to mention my current loss of motivation and thoughts for anything.
Yes, I've tasted love but it never went that far. It ended before anything could happen. I wasn't grateful that someone could look past those flaws of mine and accept me. I was an idiot.
Oh, I'm also quite picky..... I'd rather find a girl that is about my height and skinny so it's kinda rare...
Parents :
My relationship with my parents isn't really close. As I see it, I know they love me, care for me but they hardly spend time with me. Hardly ever talk to me when I was young (unless they're scolding me). I hardly get a good talk with my parents about life and such. Even when they want to try to start a conversation, it's an awkward moment for me.
Sports :
I always thought that I was good at something. But it seems that I'm always above average at sports. Even the newbies that started caught up to me and I was left behind. I'm just not good at anything. I lack the ability. I suck.
Physical Appearance :
Look at me. Horrid. I will talk no more about this.
Somehow all of a sudden my brain cleared up from my dreams. I started trying to sleep at 2 something AM but kept waking up numerous times and the thoughts of the night continues. Thinking about what I've done so far in life. Thinking of how my life plays out.
Numerous events flow in. Recalling everything. I've come to describe myself in one word :
Failure / Unsuccessful
Why so?
Education:
I'm not doing so well in classes. I might have gotten an A for my mid term but my finals screws everything up to a C. Many occasions this happens. Am I just not cut to be a Chemical Engineer?
So what if I graduate. No company would hire an unsuccessful graduate with such results.
Social Life :
I don't consider myself bad at socializing. I used to get along with everyone at school. Always around chatting and making friends. Now it seems that I've lost it. I can't seem to talk to people like I usually do. It's usually a conversation in a formal way.
"Hi how are you?" "Fine" and you get the idea...
That's more like acquaintances not friends.
To me friends are the ones I share my interests with. Those who I hang out with. Those who I can relate to.
Good friends are the ones that support me. Help me when I'm in trouble. Share my ups and downs in life.
Best friends are the ones I share my emotions with. Those who I trust that will keep my feelings confidential and vise versa. Well, you know who you are if you're reading this now. Thanks for helping me out with some of my problems.
Girlfriends (I refuse to add boyfriends for obvious reasons), all of the above. Basically the one I give my utmost care.
Oh, I gotta add. I'm a chinese that cant speak chinese. It's so FUCKING irritating when I hang out with some people, they have to speak in chinese. It really ticks me off. At the same time, it makes me feel useless.... Alot of chinese people walks up to me and speaks to me in chinese and I respond with a clueless face... There's first impressions for ya
Love Life :
I guess this is the cause of most of my emoness.
Having crushes on someone and then finding out they're not interested or with another guy hurts. It's like taking my glass heart and shattering it.
It also isn't easy for me since I have fucked up teeth, a bad surname (Fuck) and a face problem. Personality wise..... I guess you can see, I'm emo most of the time. Bitching probably about the smallest thing (since I'm so perasan) that has no meaning at all. Not to mention my current loss of motivation and thoughts for anything.
Yes, I've tasted love but it never went that far. It ended before anything could happen. I wasn't grateful that someone could look past those flaws of mine and accept me. I was an idiot.
Oh, I'm also quite picky..... I'd rather find a girl that is about my height and skinny so it's kinda rare...
Parents :
My relationship with my parents isn't really close. As I see it, I know they love me, care for me but they hardly spend time with me. Hardly ever talk to me when I was young (unless they're scolding me). I hardly get a good talk with my parents about life and such. Even when they want to try to start a conversation, it's an awkward moment for me.
Sports :
I always thought that I was good at something. But it seems that I'm always above average at sports. Even the newbies that started caught up to me and I was left behind. I'm just not good at anything. I lack the ability. I suck.
Physical Appearance :
Look at me. Horrid. I will talk no more about this.
Reality and Dreams
There was a time when I always force myself to sleep. LalaLand(dream land) is always my sanctuary in face of the boring and harsh reality.
I'd sleep for countless hours a day just to enter my ideal world.
A world where I can do anything I want, obtain anything I want.
A world that has no limits.
A world where I could fly.
A world where I could change the things I hate.
A world where I could change the bad things in life to be good
A world where I could turn back the time and relive the past
Being in Lala Land gives me peace. It gives me false hope of reality. It calms me down.
Until.... I wake up to reality...
I can't fly
I have limits
I can't do everything I want
I cannot change what has been done
I can't turn back the time to the good old days.
Still no matter how much reality bites, I'm alive.
I dreamt of dying a few times in my dreams.
I've dreamt of getting called back for National Service countless times (it's a night mare to me)
I've dreamt of fishes (thus causing me to jump out of bed)
Looking past all that, it seems that Lala Land's the best place for my current state of mind. I've been piling up on stress for the past few weeks. Though I may not show it to friends. It is there.
I'd sleep for countless hours a day just to enter my ideal world.
A world where I can do anything I want, obtain anything I want.
A world that has no limits.
A world where I could fly.
A world where I could change the things I hate.
A world where I could change the bad things in life to be good
A world where I could turn back the time and relive the past
Being in Lala Land gives me peace. It gives me false hope of reality. It calms me down.
Until.... I wake up to reality...
I can't fly
I have limits
I can't do everything I want
I cannot change what has been done
I can't turn back the time to the good old days.
Still no matter how much reality bites, I'm alive.
I dreamt of dying a few times in my dreams.
I've dreamt of getting called back for National Service countless times (it's a night mare to me)
I've dreamt of fishes (thus causing me to jump out of bed)
Looking past all that, it seems that Lala Land's the best place for my current state of mind. I've been piling up on stress for the past few weeks. Though I may not show it to friends. It is there.
What's my motivation? What is my goal?
Back in high school (Form 1~Form3) I always challenged myself in questions and homework trying my best to get good grades for each subjects. What was my motivation back then?
Was it my parents who nags me to stop playing games all the time?
Was it my teacher? Friends? Cousins? Neither.
What motivated me back then was because I wanted to get into the science stream. I always thought that you CAN'T TAKE ANY SCIENCE CLASSES UNLESS YOU GET AN "A" FOR MATHS AND SCIENCE in PMR.
So I worked really hard and obtained the A.
Next was in Form4~Form 5.
Can't really remember much on this. It's very fuzzy but I recall trying to best my previous results for PMR. Dignity on the line. Not to mention I was always going around calling myself "The one and only Genious" (yes that genius was spelt that way for sarcasm).
So I worked hard on Bio, Phys, and Chem. Not to mention a purely self study subject which was Ekonomi Asas which I never go to class and did all studying at home on my own just to prove that I can. Well.... the final SPM results didn't come out as I expected. Still, it was an acceptable result.
HELP college years (1~3 years)
Seriously I don't know what's motivating me at this time. All I see was that I was left behind half a year from my school friends who didn't have to do National Service. All I had in mind was catching up to them. Trying to graduate as soon as possible. But bad results in HELP pushed me back 2 semesters before I was accepted to ISU. I guess my motivation came during the last 2 semesters at HELP. "Cannot fail or you can't go to US"
ISU (Fall 2007 til now)
So here I am in ISU. First sem here, I thought it's a good time to boost my horrific CGPA which was resetted upon reaching here. Sadly after 2 semesters.... that motivation was lost. Now currently in my Spring 09 semester... I think I've lost it.
What am I reaching for?
What is my goal?
What am I doing?
All semester I've been emoing realizing how much of a failure I am.
Why the heck am I still studying?
Stress's piling up on me. Emotions taking over.
Mentally I'm exhausted. Physically I'm clueless on how my body feels.
No one will guide me. No one will help me.
Nothing can push me forward. Nothing can stop me.
Somebody help me. Somebody save me.
Was it my parents who nags me to stop playing games all the time?
Was it my teacher? Friends? Cousins? Neither.
What motivated me back then was because I wanted to get into the science stream. I always thought that you CAN'T TAKE ANY SCIENCE CLASSES UNLESS YOU GET AN "A" FOR MATHS AND SCIENCE in PMR.
So I worked really hard and obtained the A.
Next was in Form4~Form 5.
Can't really remember much on this. It's very fuzzy but I recall trying to best my previous results for PMR. Dignity on the line. Not to mention I was always going around calling myself "The one and only Genious" (yes that genius was spelt that way for sarcasm).
So I worked hard on Bio, Phys, and Chem. Not to mention a purely self study subject which was Ekonomi Asas which I never go to class and did all studying at home on my own just to prove that I can. Well.... the final SPM results didn't come out as I expected. Still, it was an acceptable result.
HELP college years (1~3 years)
Seriously I don't know what's motivating me at this time. All I see was that I was left behind half a year from my school friends who didn't have to do National Service. All I had in mind was catching up to them. Trying to graduate as soon as possible. But bad results in HELP pushed me back 2 semesters before I was accepted to ISU. I guess my motivation came during the last 2 semesters at HELP. "Cannot fail or you can't go to US"
ISU (Fall 2007 til now)
So here I am in ISU. First sem here, I thought it's a good time to boost my horrific CGPA which was resetted upon reaching here. Sadly after 2 semesters.... that motivation was lost. Now currently in my Spring 09 semester... I think I've lost it.
What am I reaching for?
What is my goal?
What am I doing?
All semester I've been emoing realizing how much of a failure I am.
Why the heck am I still studying?
Stress's piling up on me. Emotions taking over.
Mentally I'm exhausted. Physically I'm clueless on how my body feels.
No one will guide me. No one will help me.
Nothing can push me forward. Nothing can stop me.
Somebody help me. Somebody save me.
Oliver's response :
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My philosophy of the world
When I was in high school I always thought.
Am I real? How do I prove i exist?
What is these feelings I'm feeling? Emotions? Pain? Pleasure? What happens when I lose them?
Is the whole world an illusion with me as the only real being? That person that walked past me. That person that I ate lunch with. That person I fell in love with. That person I cared for. That person that cared for me. That person that ignored me. If I would die, would they disappear?
Death? Heaven? Hell? What actually happens? No one can prove it.
What is death? Not being able to breath? Not being able to eat? Not being able to do the things I love to do? Not being able to feel? Not being able to think? Not being able to remember? Not being able to talk or communicate?
When I die will I be forgotten forever? When I die will I be remembered? When I die will I be satisfied? When I die, will I be thrown into a dark abyss for eternity?
Life is short.
22+ years has gone by in a blink of an eye.
Time to have fun
Time to cry
Time to laugh
Time to be alone
Time to be with someone
Time's running out....
Am I real? How do I prove i exist?
What is these feelings I'm feeling? Emotions? Pain? Pleasure? What happens when I lose them?
Is the whole world an illusion with me as the only real being? That person that walked past me. That person that I ate lunch with. That person I fell in love with. That person I cared for. That person that cared for me. That person that ignored me. If I would die, would they disappear?
Death? Heaven? Hell? What actually happens? No one can prove it.
What is death? Not being able to breath? Not being able to eat? Not being able to do the things I love to do? Not being able to feel? Not being able to think? Not being able to remember? Not being able to talk or communicate?
When I die will I be forgotten forever? When I die will I be remembered? When I die will I be satisfied? When I die, will I be thrown into a dark abyss for eternity?
Life is short.
22+ years has gone by in a blink of an eye.
Time to have fun
Time to cry
Time to laugh
Time to be alone
Time to be with someone
Time's running out....
EXAMS AGAIN!? ZOMAIGAWD
So for this week and the next I'll be having 3 important exams.
Che357 (Which just ended about 2 hours ago)
Chem332 ; and
BBMB301 next week
Didn't do so well for chem332 and bbmb but I hoping to bring my grades back up.
It's time to stop emoing
It's time to start studying
It's time to emo again...
Che357 (Which just ended about 2 hours ago)
Chem332 ; and
BBMB301 next week
Didn't do so well for chem332 and bbmb but I hoping to bring my grades back up.
It's time to stop emoing
It's time to start studying
It's time to emo again...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Looking for that special someone
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-Someone who I can wake up every morning to with a smile
-Someone who shares my interests
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-Someone who wont make me feel lonely
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-Someone who I can relate to
-Someone who supports me
-Someone who's not blood related
-Someone who I can have fun with
-Someone who keeps me company
-Someone who's willing to do something new
-Someone who I can talk to
-Someone who I can wake up every morning to with a smile
-Someone who shares my interests
-Someone who I can care for
-Someone who I can spend the rest of my life with
-Someone who wont make me feel lonely
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Sunday, February 15, 2009
Valentines Day 2009 Part 2
Another song to dedicate to the most hateful day in my single life.....
I don't wanna be alone............. T_T
I was a midnight rider on a cloud of smoke
I could make a woman hang on every single stroke
I was an iron man
I had a master plan
But I was alone
I could hear you breathing
With a sigh of the wind
I remember how your body started trembling
Oh, whats a night its been
And for the state Im in
Im still alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Somehow I always end up alone
Always end up alone
So I play, Ill wait
cause you know that love takes time
We came so far
Just the beat of a lonely heart
And its mine
I dont want to be alone
Well, since I got no message on your answer phone
And since youre busy every minute.
I just stay at home
I make believe you care
I feel you everywhere
But Im still alone
Im on a wheel of fortune with a twist of fate
cause I know it isnt heaven, is it love or hate
Am I the subject of the pain
An I the stranger in the rain
I am alone
And if there glory there to behold
Maybe its my imagination
Another story there to be told
So I play, Ill wait
And I pray its not too late
We came so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart
And its mine
I dont want to be alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Another story there to be told
So I play, Ill wait
And I pray its not too late
We came so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart
And its mine
I dont want to be alone
Gone, but not out of sight
Im caught in the rain and theres no one home
Face the heat of the night
The one that you loves got a heart thats made of stone
Shine and search for the light
And sooner or later youll be cruising on your ocean
And clean out of sight
Im caught in the rain and theres no one home
I don't wanna be alone............. T_T
I was a midnight rider on a cloud of smoke
I could make a woman hang on every single stroke
I was an iron man
I had a master plan
But I was alone
I could hear you breathing
With a sigh of the wind
I remember how your body started trembling
Oh, whats a night its been
And for the state Im in
Im still alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Somehow I always end up alone
Always end up alone
So I play, Ill wait
cause you know that love takes time
We came so far
Just the beat of a lonely heart
And its mine
I dont want to be alone
Well, since I got no message on your answer phone
And since youre busy every minute.
I just stay at home
I make believe you care
I feel you everywhere
But Im still alone
Im on a wheel of fortune with a twist of fate
cause I know it isnt heaven, is it love or hate
Am I the subject of the pain
An I the stranger in the rain
I am alone
And if there glory there to behold
Maybe its my imagination
Another story there to be told
So I play, Ill wait
And I pray its not too late
We came so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart
And its mine
I dont want to be alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Another story there to be told
So I play, Ill wait
And I pray its not too late
We came so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart
And its mine
I dont want to be alone
Gone, but not out of sight
Im caught in the rain and theres no one home
Face the heat of the night
The one that you loves got a heart thats made of stone
Shine and search for the light
And sooner or later youll be cruising on your ocean
And clean out of sight
Im caught in the rain and theres no one home
Valentines Day 2009 Part 1
Dedicating this song for Valentines Day 2009
and
Happy Valentines Day everyone
and
Happy Valentines Day everyone
Saturday, February 14, 2009
FFk-ed part 2
So it seems it happened again......
Fuck this. Next time if I'm ever organizing anything, it'll be just me, myself and I
Edit : Just to mention that I've already bought the groceries for tonight....
It was gonna be a great meal... disappointed
-Lemon Chicken
-Sambal Prawn
-Steamed Egg
-Vegetable's fried with belacan
-Rice (of course)
Other time? YOU organize it then.
Happy Friday the fucking 13th
Fuck this. Next time if I'm ever organizing anything, it'll be just me, myself and I
Edit : Just to mention that I've already bought the groceries for tonight....
It was gonna be a great meal... disappointed
-Lemon Chicken
-Sambal Prawn
-Steamed Egg
-Vegetable's fried with belacan
-Rice (of course)
Other time? YOU organize it then.
Happy Friday the fucking 13th
FFk-ed
FFK - Fong Fei Kei which literal meaning is to 'stood up' someone or ditch
Last year at the beginning of winter break. I intended to go skiing with some buddies of mine.
At first there were 10, then one by one they pulled out til there was two left.... so why bother skiing with two people? The trip was cancelled....
Now a pot luck party is at hand today. Invited some slaves and in the end, some pulled out.
Some kinda face problem I have.... whenever I organize something, everyone pulls out at the last minute.
Thanks friends.
Last year at the beginning of winter break. I intended to go skiing with some buddies of mine.
At first there were 10, then one by one they pulled out til there was two left.... so why bother skiing with two people? The trip was cancelled....
Now a pot luck party is at hand today. Invited some slaves and in the end, some pulled out.
Some kinda face problem I have.... whenever I organize something, everyone pulls out at the last minute.
Thanks friends.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
FUCKING COUGH GET OUT OF MY FUCKING SYSTEM!!!
GARGHHHH!!!!
COUGH HOW DARE YOU!
PHLEGM STUCK ON THE WALLS OF MY THROAT
YET YOU MADE ME COUGH UP NOTHING
IN THE LATE NIGHT WHEN I'M STRESSED
IN THE LATE NIGHT WHEN I WANT TO SLEEP
IN THE LATE NIGHT YOU WONT LET ME SLEEP
IN THE LATE NIGHT YOU WONT LET MY HOUSEMATES SLEEP
IN THE LATE NIGHT YOU KEEP COMING BACK AGAIN
STAYING AWAKE ALL NIGHT ISN'T HELPING TO DECREASE THIS STRESS
STAYING AWAKE ALL NIGHT JUST MAKES ME HUNGRY
HAVING NOT ENOUGH SLEEP GIVES ME STRESS
HAVING NOT ENOUGH SLEEP GIVES ME NO APPETITE
SO COUGH, YOU RID ME OF MY SLEEP, FOOD, AND A CALM STATE OF MIND.
GAWDDDAMN COUGH, GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!!!
COUGH HOW DARE YOU!
PHLEGM STUCK ON THE WALLS OF MY THROAT
YET YOU MADE ME COUGH UP NOTHING
IN THE LATE NIGHT WHEN I'M STRESSED
IN THE LATE NIGHT WHEN I WANT TO SLEEP
IN THE LATE NIGHT YOU WONT LET ME SLEEP
IN THE LATE NIGHT YOU WONT LET MY HOUSEMATES SLEEP
IN THE LATE NIGHT YOU KEEP COMING BACK AGAIN
STAYING AWAKE ALL NIGHT ISN'T HELPING TO DECREASE THIS STRESS
STAYING AWAKE ALL NIGHT JUST MAKES ME HUNGRY
HAVING NOT ENOUGH SLEEP GIVES ME STRESS
HAVING NOT ENOUGH SLEEP GIVES ME NO APPETITE
SO COUGH, YOU RID ME OF MY SLEEP, FOOD, AND A CALM STATE OF MIND.
GAWDDDAMN COUGH, GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!!!
Valentines Dillema In the USA
So Valentines is just around the corner and I have yet to have a date... Heck I think the amount of singles out there aren't really siding anyone.....
A long time ago (I think about a year or two ago) I watched this video documentary on youtube where they talk about how american-asian couples are blooming in the states (male americans- female asians).
So what does this do to society? You'd have many single asian men and many single american ladies spending time at home wondering where the heck their potential soul mate are.
Now you might say, "Why dont the asian men and american ladies hook up?"... well, I get the feeling the female americans think too low of asians thus it's not likely. And so, we end up having single parties almost every where.
So, Happy Early Valentines.
A long time ago (I think about a year or two ago) I watched this video documentary on youtube where they talk about how american-asian couples are blooming in the states (male americans- female asians).
So what does this do to society? You'd have many single asian men and many single american ladies spending time at home wondering where the heck their potential soul mate are.
Now you might say, "Why dont the asian men and american ladies hook up?"... well, I get the feeling the female americans think too low of asians thus it's not likely. And so, we end up having single parties almost every where.
So, Happy Early Valentines.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
First signs of weakness for the year 2009
So I feel sick on Wednesday probably because I took a nap on ZiTing's infected bed. There were symptoms of cold later in the evening and things got worst at night.
Being in my situation, I couldn't bring myself to go to work the next day because I needed the rest to recover ASAP thus missed out on 4 hours of work accumulating to $34 deficit for the week.
It's now.... Tuesday morning and I'm having a horrible cough that has changed my voice. Sexy but coughing almost every minute isn't really appealing....
So this cough, nothing comes out. Hardly any phlegm although I know it's there somewhere stuck on the walls of my throat. No matter how many times I cough, it just wont budge.
Remedy to this? I don't know. Right now I'm sipping on my 3rd cup of warm barley for the night and have been drinking alot of water for the whole day. I didn't bother to count how many visits to the toilet I've taken because of this.
So right now... here's to a speedy recovery for myself....
Being in my situation, I couldn't bring myself to go to work the next day because I needed the rest to recover ASAP thus missed out on 4 hours of work accumulating to $34 deficit for the week.
It's now.... Tuesday morning and I'm having a horrible cough that has changed my voice. Sexy but coughing almost every minute isn't really appealing....
So this cough, nothing comes out. Hardly any phlegm although I know it's there somewhere stuck on the walls of my throat. No matter how many times I cough, it just wont budge.
Remedy to this? I don't know. Right now I'm sipping on my 3rd cup of warm barley for the night and have been drinking alot of water for the whole day. I didn't bother to count how many visits to the toilet I've taken because of this.
So right now... here's to a speedy recovery for myself....
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
I have a dream....
A few nights ago I had this weird dream. I'll explain in as much detail as I can.....
So I walked up to wash my face. Looked into the mirror and saw my hair's messy. I then reached for my comb and started combing my hair... but the comb got stuck halfway through. I tried pulling hard but no avail.
I then reached my hand over the area trying to untangle my messed up hair. It wasn't tangled... there was something there. It felt like little frog eggs. I pulled some out. Looked at it..... it's like eggs/larva/maggots and covered in something sticky.
Feeling disgusted, I washed my hair but it made things worst (it's a dream =.=).
My hair is now covered in these things. Each hair strand is not spared. I scratched my head trying to scrape it off. Didn't work.
Suddenly, I felt something in my mouth. Little bits of chilli seed shaped objects all over my mouth. Yea those things have made it in my mouth somehow. I spitted them out using my tongue to clear every part of my mouth and then spit it out.
I then woke up... and found my pillow filled with my saliva.......
So I walked up to wash my face. Looked into the mirror and saw my hair's messy. I then reached for my comb and started combing my hair... but the comb got stuck halfway through. I tried pulling hard but no avail.
I then reached my hand over the area trying to untangle my messed up hair. It wasn't tangled... there was something there. It felt like little frog eggs. I pulled some out. Looked at it..... it's like eggs/larva/maggots and covered in something sticky.
Feeling disgusted, I washed my hair but it made things worst (it's a dream =.=).
My hair is now covered in these things. Each hair strand is not spared. I scratched my head trying to scrape it off. Didn't work.
Suddenly, I felt something in my mouth. Little bits of chilli seed shaped objects all over my mouth. Yea those things have made it in my mouth somehow. I spitted them out using my tongue to clear every part of my mouth and then spit it out.
I then woke up... and found my pillow filled with my saliva.......
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