Everyone else has a better life (Envy)

I know it's wrong for me to assume that, but when you envy someone, the thing that sticks to your head is all the good things he/she has. Yes, I've seen them during times when they're down but those are easily covered up by their smiling faces.

Openness :
Before I came to the states, I keep my feelings closed up. All the anger, sorrow, happiness all dwelling deep inside wanting to get out but couldn't . I can't seem to trust anyone mainly because I know I'd incriminate myself.
It was back in Primary school when I had a crush on someone... I told this guy because I trusted him and then news spreaded like a wild fire. Emotions took over and the attention was too much to bear. I've lost trust in telling anyone my feelings be it good or bad. Even expressing them has been hard for me. Yea, for about 6~8 years I've been keeping everything inside me.
Yes, my patience and tolerance is that strong.

During those 6~8 years, I noticed other people speaking what they think. Speaking their mind out not caring of what others think of them. I can't seem to do that. I envy them.

Now I'm out of my shell. As you can see from the last few posts, I'm letting (almost) everything out. I've held all my sorrows and suffering long enough. My happiness? I can't seem to remember them at the moment.


Social Issues :
Right now most of my friends are smooth talkers. Knowing what to say at times and know when to keep their mouth shut. Envious of them I tried but failed. They socialize with people and manage to break the ice in a matter of minutes rather than me who takes almost forever. I guess it's the way I was brought up ...

Family :
I go to a friends home, I see pictures of them and their family. I hear them saying they're gonna call up their parents and talk to them every week. Me, I hardly talk to my parents. Even if I do, I'm usually lost for words. I've mentioned in one of my last posts that I have an awkward relationship with my parents. Again, I know they love and care for me... but I don't feel it...

There are alot of other stuff I envy others of, but I won't list it out here. I'd rather not make my state of mind worst off than I needed. I've got 2 exams for the week ahead and I should get back to studying. ..... One more :

Studies :
People are smarter than me, no matter how hard I try......

Next : Pride